Struggles

I will admit it, I am struggling.

I am struggling with decisions, lack of decisions, humanity, and a dozen other emotions.  There is nothing terrible happening in my life, I have a job, transportation, a ministry I love, but I am exhausted; my emotions are constantly at the surface and I am on the verge of crying all the time.  (And nope, there is absolutely no way pregnancy is involved.)

I have been reading a couple of books recently Restless by Jennie Allen and Let's be Brave by Annie Downs.  As I have been reading these two books and working through the heart and soul questions they have been asking I have had to deal with a lot of things that I haven't wanted to talk or think about.  I have this weird thought process where I think that if I just do what I am supposed to do, according to the Bible and the church, that my life should flow fairly smoothly.  However recently in my Bible reading of Acts-2 Corinthians I don't see a smooth life.  I see a full, rich, hectic, stressful life as Paul lives a life that didn't include a safe, secure house.  He didn't have family nearby, or a wife to cook him dinner every night.  He said crazy things like being single is better for God's glory (if you are called to it) and if you weren't well live for God and do all you can while you are single.

I never wanted to be single by 31, I wanted to have a loving, adorable husband, 2-4 kids, and a dog and cat.  Instead I have 2 cats and a super busy schedule.  I love many things about who I am now, but I also have things that I wouldn't mind changing.

Would you pray with me that I would make wise choices? Think of others before myself, and not be led astray by the wicked one.

Lacking imagination

Yesterday I made a comment, one I have made before, but due to a book I am reading currently it bothered me.  I have always considered Amillennialists to be idealists, and in fact I believe I stated that it worried me. How can humans who are so imperfect ever bring about a change in society that would have Christ return to to a world that has despised him?  However that got me to thinking...what if it is our job? God can do amazing things, more than we can dream or ask (Eph. 3:20 &21). So many men and women in the Bible went from something negative or at least something humble to something the world would consider great.  Therefore have I been limiting God or has my view of God been limited?

I am a bit of a pessimist, I generally use the word "realist" but honestly that isn't radically different we both acknowledge that the glass is not full, it is just not empty.  But what if we could ignore the labels and dream a bigger dream? Instead of seeing myself as just a Librarian, I saw or recognized that God sees me as my possible future self? Joseph was a wrongfully convicted convict and became the second most powerful man in the country.  Moses' title changed dramatically throughout his lifetime.  Rahab was a prostitute and became a woman God deemed worthy of being a great-grandmother in the line of Kings and ultimately the King of Kings.

I sometimes miss the conviction I had about certain theological ideas while I was in college.  I wasn't really for or against dispensationalism or coventalism, but most other areas were pretty concrete. Now I have been out of undergrad for 8 years and the lines are getting blurry.  I want to love people because they are Christ's image bearers (Col. 1:15-29), I don't wan to label them. But in a world that is so "don't box me in" we certainly have more labels than we ever have before. Bear with me as I try to work these things out through this blog and if you are around me in person.