Worn

I am sad, worn, and sick at heart. 

There are a variety of reasons for this, but mostly it is due to my grandmother dying.  She has cancer that silent and annoying killer.  Yet she is only 77, she is such a stubborn person I guess I wasn't expecting it to be so soon.  And yet, the older I get the more I would rather not linger in this mortal coil.  Not because it is a horrible place, it certainly can be.  But it can also be awe inspiring, beautiful, and thrilling.  It is mostly because I do not want to be dependent upon medication to be alive.  I do not want to feel miserable the last years of my life.  I want to be helpful, retired but not inactive.  I want to travel, to meet with people, to have family and friends that I love and can visit with throughout the weeks and years. 

Yet I am currently shaping up to be a miserable or at least lonely person.  I have friends, but not close friends.  I have never needed a ton of people but I would like to have a close small group of friends in this country.  My sister, my cousins, they are the people to whom I am the closest, yet they all live fairly far away.  And traveling is expensive. If I didn't have the student debt and the car/credit debt it wouldn't bother me, but as I was not trained in wise financials at an earlier age.  I need to dig myself out. 

I want children and a spouse.  I really do, but I haven't the talent of meeting new people.  I can talk to anyone at work, but anytime I notice that a man doesn't have a wedding ring I freeze and become some odd and awkward, out of sync person mumbling heaven knows what. 

Anyhow, if Grammie does read this...I know we didn't always get along.  We both are stubborn, and like for things to go our way.  I love you.  I had always planned that I would like my first daughter to be named Margaret.  We shall see if I have a daughter, but I wanted you to know.