Struggles

I will admit it, I am struggling.

I am struggling with decisions, lack of decisions, humanity, and a dozen other emotions.  There is nothing terrible happening in my life, I have a job, transportation, a ministry I love, but I am exhausted; my emotions are constantly at the surface and I am on the verge of crying all the time.  (And nope, there is absolutely no way pregnancy is involved.)

I have been reading a couple of books recently Restless by Jennie Allen and Let's be Brave by Annie Downs.  As I have been reading these two books and working through the heart and soul questions they have been asking I have had to deal with a lot of things that I haven't wanted to talk or think about.  I have this weird thought process where I think that if I just do what I am supposed to do, according to the Bible and the church, that my life should flow fairly smoothly.  However recently in my Bible reading of Acts-2 Corinthians I don't see a smooth life.  I see a full, rich, hectic, stressful life as Paul lives a life that didn't include a safe, secure house.  He didn't have family nearby, or a wife to cook him dinner every night.  He said crazy things like being single is better for God's glory (if you are called to it) and if you weren't well live for God and do all you can while you are single.

I never wanted to be single by 31, I wanted to have a loving, adorable husband, 2-4 kids, and a dog and cat.  Instead I have 2 cats and a super busy schedule.  I love many things about who I am now, but I also have things that I wouldn't mind changing.

Would you pray with me that I would make wise choices? Think of others before myself, and not be led astray by the wicked one.

Growing up is hard

As I said in my previous post, I am single.  I have tons of friends and family with children and spouses, some of my friends are single parents and I just don't know how married or single they deal with it all.  I only have my two little kitties (see below) and I just find life to be a challenge.  Paying bills, creating budgets, and then on top of it being a boss at work, and a ministry leader at church.  I love all of these things but simply cannot fathom how so many of my friends are parents on top of it all.

If leading adults can be so tiring, how can parents do it all day and then go home to be examples to their children?  I applaud you all.  There are days when I feel like I was born in the wrong time.  I was raised to be responsible and someone who doesn't mind committing.  I see a need and fill it. I think church membership is important- not because it is necessarily in the Bible but because so few commit, which then leads to a lack of persons who step up for ministry.  I like having 2 year plans for cell phones, because once upon a time that had a benefit, but now I truly believe in prepaid as it is so much less a month.   But so many people haven't been brought up with that so it creates an intense aggravation in my mind and soul when others cannot so commit.  I know that is wrong, I really do, but it does make me feel low.  Sorry I started rambling there.

I would like to apologize to my parents for expecting perfection in their actions and choices at the end of the day because good grief, I am now your ages when we were wee little things and I certainly will never be accused of being perfect or making super excellent choices.  But thank you for doing your best.

Reboot...and not the cartoon

What shall I say? Should I apologize for not having written in the last year?  Probably, but mostly because I was not writing what I should have been writing.

Earlier this year I was reading a blog by Annie Downs (if you don't know her or her message please, please, please go here http://www.anniefdowns.com and look her up!) the point of her blog post was that it shouldn't just be the wonderful stay at home moms writing blogs about their lives and stories, but that single women should be talking about their lives and how they deal with the day-to-day and their God stories.

As a single woman in my 30's (I am 31) I never imagined as a child or teen that I wouldn't be married by now; I never dreamed that I wouldn't have even gone out on a date yet...yes I did just admit that.  My cousins used to tease me as a child that I would be married and have 4 kids before 30-because that is honestly who I wanted to be...minus the handle-bar mustashe on my husband.   Instead I am the working woman with no kids and they are all married with various amounts of children.   My story is very different than my past expectations.

But I want to share my story, because I think in some ways there may be another woman out there who may be encouraged by it or at least identify with it.  I also think that journaling this way makes it easier for me to listen to God and what he may be wanting to show me, if I am open with a digital audience it may help me with consistency...I am awful at consistency.  I want to open the Bible, but my pillows are so comfortable in the morning...I want to read my Bible at night, but oh look I haven't seen that book in a while and oh look there is that TV show on now.  So really I am thinking about my flesh and its desires instead of looking to the one who can uplift and strengthen my heart and spirit.

I am taking a chance and being brave.